You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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