Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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