I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
