I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
