apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Randomize
