I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
