Please, let me fuck your mom
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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