I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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