All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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