captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
