My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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