I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
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