i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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