It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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