He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
