My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
