Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
