Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
why do cheetos always look like penises
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
