her vagina looked like bernie madoff
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
