my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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