pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
