how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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