I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
