You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
it was like eating out sand paper
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
