I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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