I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
