I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
