Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
