we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's shark week go big or go home
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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