Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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