Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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