Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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