Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
