I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
