Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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