I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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