just come out here and I will go home with you...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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