Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
