my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Randomize