I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
