I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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