hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
