I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
