There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
