So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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