my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
where are you?
Hypothermia
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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