On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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