I think I won the penis lottery.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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