I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
