I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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