I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
