Don't make out with my wife yet
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
