Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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