I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
