the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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