bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
