I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
