so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
