sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize