my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
