Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
