Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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