please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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