Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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