When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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