why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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