he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
