I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
