My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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