Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
