I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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