Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
