hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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