My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
